Thursday, January 10th 2019
Woke up early — I have a gynaecologist appointment today (my first in five years) and I’ve been feeling like a 14-year-old girl about it. In other words, I’ve been quite anxious about having someone looking at my vagina. It’s not like I had never shown it to anyone before, but I’m a bit older now and for some reason it feels different. I’m wondering whether it will be a man or a woman, and struggling to know which one I’d prefer. My first ever gynaecologist was a man and it turns out that he was a lot more gentle than the woman I had seen afterwards. At the same time, I feel it would be awkward to be seen by a man that’s in my age range. Being 31, it could definitely happen. And that would be weird. So I’m not too sure which is best to be honest. I guess we’ll see. I’ve also been wondering whether I should shave (or at least trim) or not. Can’t believe I even googled it earlier — first thing I did when I woke up. They say you don’t need to, but somehow I’d feel guilty showing a full bush to a stranger. When I was pregnant, I had an excuse. Right now, I don’t. I’ve been so lazy towards shaving recently, even Coco told me that my legs started to look like daddy’s. But doing so is never a priority or how I would like to use my time + it’s winter so… who gives a shit. I guess Joseph does, but what’s the point of going through such efforts if we never take the time to have sex anyway. It’s kind of pointless. Gonna get a shower and see what happens.
9:50pm — I didn’t have time to carry on writing here after my shower (by the way, I did shave my legs and trimmed my hair and it took forever) and started to work straight away. I went through all applications to the casting I posted the other day and surprisingly shortlisted quite a few models this time. Now I need to get in touch with them and setup test shoots so that I can experiment with my new camera. I very much want to shoot some black and white photos, with one model at a time. It’s new territory to me, being used to photographing groups of girls, but sometimes getting out of your comfort zone is good. And this is exactly what I intend to do this year. Perhaps I’ll do an #ophelieandthegirls photoshoot too, because there are still lots of stuff that I could do, but it’s not a priority. It will only happen if it’s spontaneous.
In other news, my appointment went… well, I don’t even know if it went well or not. I got lost in the hospital and was nearly late. Turns out they were running behind and so I had to wait 25 minutes to be seen anyway. Twenty-five long minutes where I got to see every gynaecologist on shift ; two women and three men. One of them looked like he was in his 30s (!!!!!) and I definitely did not want to be seen by him. Another one was in his 40s and I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable with him either (also he was quite good-looking, which somehow makes it even more awkward). And the third one was old and unattractive to me = no problem. When my name was called by a woman, I felt relieved. When I entered the room, the gynaecologist was also a woman. Coco and Joseph had arrived by then (I asked him to meet me there since it’s on the way back from school) and I was feeling better about the whole thing. I sort of got told off for not having had a smear test in over five years and it’s fair enough. I should have had one in Berlin but not speaking the language was too scary and I preferred to wait until I’d be back in London. I was actually supposed to have this appointment in October but that was the day I shot the editorial for Nylon and only realised that on the actual day, and eventually had to postpone since I had a team of 10 on the way to my home studio and could not cancel the photoshoot. I was gutted — it takes months to get an appointment. But anyway, I was finally there, answering questions about my currently non-existent sexual life with Joseph sat right next to me. A few minutes later I was laying on this horrible bed with my legs up, the gynaecologist and her assistant having what felt like an endless chat whilst I was waiting, full front open in the air. Great. They did all of the tests they could do, and at some point the gynaecologist asked for a second opinion and called in the main doctor of that practice, which turned out to be the cute man in his 40s. I was in such a glamorous position as he entered the room. He quickly had a look and left. 10 minutes later, he was back in, having another look. I have a polyp that could potentially need to be removed, hence the second opinion. Thankfully that man saved me from having a surgery — he wants to see the results of my tests before making a decision. It was nearly 5pm when we left and I felt exhausted.
When I got back home, I wanted to do nothing but chill. I took a long bath, did a face mask, my nails and watched a stupid french movie — Larguées. Not the best movie but definitely entertaining and easy to watch, and sometimes that’s all I need, especially when it’s in french. Been watching a lot of them recently and I blame the Christmas holiday and being away from France (my french friend Hélène is going through the same thing right now). I’m also eating quite a lot of cheese these days along with a glass of wine. Everyday. They say one glass of wine a day is healthy and obviously that’s something I want to believe. Not having a dry January like everyone else but I’m not drinking much during the year (apart from holiday and very special occasions) so I don’t really need to take a break.
It’s 10:35pm. Going to sleep now.